23:30

Nearly midnight. 
I gaze around my room, seeing only pitch black. No noise, no light, nothing. I love it so much. The nothingness. Why couldn't it have been tonight?
Nearly midnight. 
Nearly the day. 
The day in which I will try with all my might at every possible moment to achieve what I want. For I am determined. 
Nearly midnight. 
I sit thinking about my best friend. The one person in the world who I know truly cares. The only person who I believe will react when my eyes turn empty. I think about all she has done for me - I was better because of her. This, now, is not her fault, merely mine. I think about how much she knows I love her. You know that, don't you?
Nearly midnight. 
I also think about the girl who I clawed after. The one who I wished was in my life frequently enough to make me not even have to sit here, writing this blog. I think about some of the last things she messaged me - 
'Please don't do anything bad. I'll talk to you tomorrow and try and explain. I love you. Night.'
She said she loved me. I don't care whether it was friendly or not. She won't have to worry about me anymore though. 
Nearly midnight. 
Maybe I won't post this at midnight, like I planned. Maybe I'll post it when it's done, because I feel like it. I'll be reckless now to make up for the past 15 years. 
Nearly midnight. 
I think about my parents. They don't know anything. Am I happy about that? I'm not sure. Maybe I don't care. 
23:27. 
I missed 11:11. 
I can't make a wish anymore. 
I'll have to make my wish come true myself. 
I'm so sorry. 
I'm sorry to everyone who cared. 
I'll be gone as soon as I can be. 
See you wherever. 
Goodnight. 
Sleep tight. 
-

Popular posts from this blog

life lesson - love

Falling in love is - and always has been - a journey. I used to think that it was so easy, that you can just fall into love. But it’s so much more complicated than that - for me at least. It’s always changing and constantly moving around, realigning, which is why I think it’s taken me so long to understand love; that and the plethora of bad experiences I’ve had. At 5, love was easy: skipping about the classroom, I saw a boy, a boy I knew very well. He knew me too, I knew that. I thought I knew a lot of things. I teetered over to him, sitting right next to him, making sure our knees were touching. I looked up, and smiled at him. He smiled straight back - that was it! That was love, right there and then! And truly I would never feel the same thing again for a long time. At 8, love was funny: girls giggled next to me, whispering about who they liked the most, who they were desperate to be asked out by. I laughed too - of course I had someone in mind, you had to! If you didn’t, you wer
Read more

22:27

Happy birthday, Lucy. god we miss you. so, so much. thank you for taking care of sophie, before and now, for watching over her and keeping her safe and happy. thank you for reminding me that happiness is the best medicine, and smiling and laughing makes everything so much better. thank you for being you, and for teaching us that people never pass away, only go to a better place, staying with us all the while we wait to join you. i hope you’re having fun where you are, laughing when you remember the best times. we miss you, Lucy. you will always, always  be laughing in our hearts. smiling in our minds.  happy birthday, angel x
Read more

23:23pm

You know that disgusting sick feeling you get in your stomach when you know you haven't eaten enough but you feel like if you do eat you'll be sick? That's how I feel now. That's how I've felt for the last 2 days. I have never felt more sick than now, though. I feel physically sick to my stomach, like I could go to the bathroom and shove  fingers down my throat and vomit till the sick in my stomach empties. They say it's an empty feeling. I think it's the opposite - you feel full of nothing and everything at once, and you're body is trying to throw up the food you didn't eat for breakfast, or lunch, or dinner. And you feel better after, like you've gotten rid of the tightening feeling of your stomach around your hopeless fat. When strangers try to weight you and take your height and how much hair you've lost and how tired you are and if you've been depressed lately - to which the answers are almost always bad - you feel good when you&
Read more