Only me.

Falling in love is - and always has been - a journey. I used to think that it was so easy, that you can just fall into love. But it’s so much more complicated than that - for me at least. It’s always changing and constantly moving around, realigning, which is why I think it’s taken me so long to understand love; that and the plethora of bad experiences I’ve had. At 5, love was easy: skipping about the classroom, I saw a boy, a boy I knew very well. He knew me too, I knew that. I thought I knew a lot of things. I teetered over to him, sitting right next to him, making sure our knees were touching. I looked up, and smiled at him. He smiled straight back - that was it! That was love, right there and then! And truly I would never feel the same thing again for a long time. At 8, love was funny: girls giggled next to me, whispering about who they liked the most, who they were desperate to be asked out by. I laughed too - of course I had someone in mind, you had to! If you didn’t, you wer...

I’ve been fine for so long. I’ve felt happier for such a long period now that feeling this way again had broken me. It’s broken me down into small tiny pieces and I don’t know why. I don’t know how to explain to anyone how all day I’ve been laughing and yet now I’m crying my eyes out because I want to end my life again. I don’t know where it comes from anymore - it used to have a source; I could feel it before it came, but now it’s a jack in the box, ready to pounce. I smile the next day, carry on like normal. I know people like me, and I know there are so many people I could turn to but I just can’t. I feel like a stupid child, running up to their parents and telling them they just had tea with their invisible friend because it’s not real, right? You can’t see it, so I must be fine. I laugh and joke about how I feel. I write about how I feel, but never to the full extent. Nobody, not even my best friend, knows how badly I can feel at my worst. There was one time when it got ...

A look into one of my recurring nightmares. • I’m in a dark, dusty room, unclean mirrors side by side on each wall, the cracks filled in with old floral wallpaper, and I look at my reflection; it is blurry, almost unrecognisable, but as I make out my bare feet, my body slowly becomes clear. My clothes are the first thing I notice. Tight, revealing clothes that show as much flesh as possible. I immediately understand why there are mirrors - to see my horrific body all around me, to send me mad. Every mirror now has a disgusting girl trapped inside, and in her eyes is fear. I stumble; I cannot leave this room. I am surrounded by copies of the same disfigured body and disfunctional brain.  Stopping myself for a second, I think about the situation - I could never tell if it is a dream or not, my state of mind makes me constantly in a dream-like state, detached, derealised, depersonalised, deranged. My head begins to swell and throb, and I walk over to the closest mirror...

Trying to ground myself has recently become a very hard thing to do. The worst thing is coming out of a cinema after watching a film for hours, familiarising and immersing myself into the world of that film, so when I leave I see unfamiliar faces of my friends and a strange world. I get so easily sucked into things, so film watching really isn’t something I can do without it having quite a big impact on how I am for the rest of the day, possibly for longer. My friends like to laugh about me never watching any films and I laugh along with them, writing down films that I’m going to never watch because I know it will damage me. The strange feeling of hope always appears just after watching a film. I have this sudden thought that I might be in a completely different universe where I can finally be happy, and getting myself out of that mindset is very hard. Baths are something that help to ground me. The feeling of the hot water stinging at every pore in my body brings me down from what...

It’s so strange. It’s weird how I’ve felt the same way for years, but never had the nerve to acknowledge that it wasn’t normal. Some days my head feels miles apart from my body. I feel disconnected and space out too much and can’t feel anything. Not just emotions, but actual, physical things. I feel like I’m not touching them. I space out, and people used to be able to snap me out of it until recently. Occasionally, at home, I just freeze, in my body and my mind. Like someone has taken me out of my body and put a lock on it and thrown out the key. It’s almost as if I can see my own body, watch myself sitting there, doing nothing. I don’t feel normal. I hadn’t heard of anything like it before, and I assumed I was dreaming when it happened. Then, after a bit of research, I found something I could relate to. Derealisation.  It all made sense because it was there. Someone had wrote something about it, and I knew I wasn’t the only one. But recently, something else has been taking ...

Why the hell am I still alive right now. What did I do wrong to still be living this hell at this moment? I could kill myself right now and no one would notice. Yet I stop myself because I’m too fucking scared of what will come after I die. I would happily have a meal of pills and wash it down with bleach if I weren’t so afraid. That’s the thing though. I’m getting less afraid. I just want out now.  My counselling’s stopped because I’m “better”.  Am I better drowning myself in alcohol? Am I better smoking again? Am I better ruining every inch of skin people don’t see? Am I better sneaking down in the middle of the night, sitting with every pill in the house in front of me, trying not to kill myself? Because if so, I am so much fucking better.  Truth is, it doesn’t even hurt anymore. Knowing that nobody really cares doesn’t phase me now, because I have completely stopped caring myself. My “anxiety” has rooted down to me simply hiding away from everyone...

I give up. I guess that now at 10:20pm with tear tracks down my face And smudged mascara With undone homework And worries of days to come That I decided that I fucking give up. I’m not even feeling anything anymore. Water goes down my throat Like air goes through my fingers When I stick my hand Out the window To feel less derealised And disconnected From the world. Food goes in the bin In the morning And midday But in the evening When my parents watch (To make sure I eat And don’t get back To where I was) Food crawls down my throat Like a dried up snail On a Texan road In August. I don’t want to feel nothing anymore. I guess that What I’m trying to say Is while I may look down And sad And tired On the inside I feel nothing anymore Like an empty room My voice echos in my head My hands feel a million miles away And my friends Are on another planet. But I smile through it. I lie about being okay I lie about feeling down I lie about being...

the worst thing about depression taking over during the summer is when you don't know what it's about. You know it can't be your friends - you were already deciding which movies to watch with your best friend at your sleepover. You know it can't be 'her' - she's messaged you already, even if it was only one word, a simple "hey" to let you know that she's still there. You know it can't be your family - they've already agreed to get a dog, which should be the happiest thing you've ever heard. But when you haven't showered in four days, you know what it is.  It's the fact that now it's summer, a break, you have nothing to do. No homework except the exam papers that need to be rewritten but won't, because you won't move from the same spot in your bedroom apart from taking a bathroom break. No important things to be doing - and that means there's nothing to keep you distracted from the impending depression...

Nearly midnight.  I gaze around my room, seeing only pitch black. No noise, no light, nothing. I love it so much. The nothingness. Why couldn't it have been tonight? Nearly midnight.  Nearly the day.  The day in which I will try with all my might at every possible moment to achieve what I want. For I am determined.  Nearly midnight.  I sit thinking about my best friend. The one person in the world who I know truly cares. The only person who I believe will react when my eyes turn empty. I think about all she has done for me - I was better because of her. This, now, is not her fault, merely mine. I think about how much she knows I love her. You know that, don't you? Nearly midnight.  I also think about the girl who I clawed after. The one who I wished was in my life frequently enough to make me not even have to sit here, writing this blog. I think about some of the last things she messaged me -  'Please don't do anything bad. I'll talk t...

i told you i was looking for some empathy well you fooled me just a touch and a thought and i was gone and now someones gonna get to know the better you when i was supposed to  oh why did it have to be you i  guess now the next time there's an opportunity i'll tread more carefully my heart's running out of sellotape you know how is it i've never felt this way before oh i was so sure oh it wasn't gonna be you why do all the red flags just look like so much fun i have a habit of searching for the damage to share my love i promise to be numb but somehow you are the one now to unwind months of a good time people will tell me that i'm messing up and it isn't  love and i'm secretly hoping they are right because whatever this is it is wonderful but non functional oh i really hope i don't love you