Only me.

the worst thing about depression taking over during the summer is when you don't know what it's about. You know it can't be your friends - you were already deciding which movies to watch with your best friend at your sleepover. You know it can't be 'her' - she's messaged you already, even if it was only one word, a simple "hey" to let you know that she's still there. You know it can't be your family - they've already agreed to get a dog, which should be the happiest thing you've ever heard. But when you haven't showered in four days, you know what it is.  It's the fact that now it's summer, a break, you have nothing to do. No homework except the exam papers that need to be rewritten but won't, because you won't move from the same spot in your bedroom apart from taking a bathroom break. No important things to be doing - and that means there's nothing to keep you distracted from the impending depression...

Nearly midnight.  I gaze around my room, seeing only pitch black. No noise, no light, nothing. I love it so much. The nothingness. Why couldn't it have been tonight? Nearly midnight.  Nearly the day.  The day in which I will try with all my might at every possible moment to achieve what I want. For I am determined.  Nearly midnight.  I sit thinking about my best friend. The one person in the world who I know truly cares. The only person who I believe will react when my eyes turn empty. I think about all she has done for me - I was better because of her. This, now, is not her fault, merely mine. I think about how much she knows I love her. You know that, don't you? Nearly midnight.  I also think about the girl who I clawed after. The one who I wished was in my life frequently enough to make me not even have to sit here, writing this blog. I think about some of the last things she messaged me -  'Please don't do anything bad. I'll talk t...

i told you i was looking for some empathy well you fooled me just a touch and a thought and i was gone and now someones gonna get to know the better you when i was supposed to  oh why did it have to be you i  guess now the next time there's an opportunity i'll tread more carefully my heart's running out of sellotape you know how is it i've never felt this way before oh i was so sure oh it wasn't gonna be you why do all the red flags just look like so much fun i have a habit of searching for the damage to share my love i promise to be numb but somehow you are the one now to unwind months of a good time people will tell me that i'm messing up and it isn't  love and i'm secretly hoping they are right because whatever this is it is wonderful but non functional oh i really hope i don't love you

Have you ever though about why they call it a crush? It's because that's what it does; crushes you, right into the ground when you know you don't have a chance. Maybe it's time for me to stop; to stop 'falling' for all these people, because it never, ever end well. Over and over again I'll be hurt -  but this time I'm determined that I will not be ruined by the next person that comes along. Realising all the past things I've been through - lying, cheating, force; the list goes on - I realise I just need to find the right person who will treat me like a human. How about this time, I reconsider all the things I've fallen for before -  good looks, seemingly kind - and just think about how fucking high I felt when I saw you on another yesterday. Every time I've seen you before I've just seen you, but now I see you .  Rakes clawing at my stomach just because of you, and I don't even understand why. On a day I saw you and I fucking scre...

She would never tell How she felt, She would stay quiet And keep it for herself, She had lost so much And gained so little, She would never feel good enough For anyone, Not even for herself. She would laugh And she would smile She would act like everything was fine But she knew She was living a lie Behind her smile She held a broken mind. She would lie over and over again Just because she was afraid to lose Someone who saw her real worth. She expected too much And never learned to let go She got attached too fast And when the time came A part of her was gone too. And all those promises In which she believed Flew away just like the wind. And she waited And waited But no one ever came. All she ever wants Is to never feel again Because every time she feels All she feels is pain. She justs wants to leave To be let free Like a bird set out from its cage Up into the sky To be let go To leave. That's all she wants.

Sometimes the world doesn't need to give me any more clues into the fact it wants me gone. Umpteen  times have I been told I am worthless, that I have been recognised as the useless person in a world filled with amazing, kind, beautiful people. I can't imagine what it's like to feel like people like you, or that you even like yourself, and I've come to accept that people done particularly like me. Counting down the days till I can not bother people anymore is how I spend most of my time. I wish the time would come sooner, not just for me but for everyone, as I would lot trouble people anymore. Death is easily brought upon ones self; I already have multiple ways in which I may bring calm upon myself. A single card sits on my window, the only card anyone has ever written more than a 'happy birthday' in, and I can not stand putting this person through me anymore, having to deal with me for much longer, for I must be hated for my annoyance and depressive states, and...

Fuck. It's bad. It's hurting me. It's sitting in the bathroom at 2am without a thought in your head. Is having too many fucking thoughts in your head. It's having different personalities that escape you when you least expect it. It's thoughts clawing at your head, at your brain, trying to take control. It's voices telling you things. It's voices telling you to do things. It's voices telling you bad things about the people you love. It's your own head making you hate everyone around you because you're fucking scared that everyone is just an actor in some huge joke that they call your life. It's being so constantly anxious that you're constantly shaking. It's hurting yourself mentally and physically with anything the universe gives to you. It's swctioning yourself off. It's distancing yourself from your family and friends. It's having a breakdown after your own mother yells at you because there's only so m...

You know that disgusting sick feeling you get in your stomach when you know you haven't eaten enough but you feel like if you do eat you'll be sick? That's how I feel now. That's how I've felt for the last 2 days. I have never felt more sick than now, though. I feel physically sick to my stomach, like I could go to the bathroom and shove  fingers down my throat and vomit till the sick in my stomach empties. They say it's an empty feeling. I think it's the opposite - you feel full of nothing and everything at once, and you're body is trying to throw up the food you didn't eat for breakfast, or lunch, or dinner. And you feel better after, like you've gotten rid of the tightening feeling of your stomach around your hopeless fat. When strangers try to weight you and take your height and how much hair you've lost and how tired you are and if you've been depressed lately - to which the answers are almost always bad - you feel good when you...

You. You beautiful little human. You amazing, wonderful person. Best Friend. You are the strongest person I know. And I know that none of the words that I am writing right now will ever be able to describe how much of an amazing person you are, but I'm going to do it anyway. January, 2017. School had started again. Over Christmas I had acquired a bunch of good things - merchandise, to be exact. With my new phone case snapped over my phone, and my new pencil case buried in my bag, I went through the school day. I walked into the science classroom, quickly bringing out my phone to see if I had any notifications. "I like your phone case!" I heard a bright and bubbly voice say. Then began the happiest conversation I'd had in many a year. Noticing we had almost every lesson together, conversations began to happen almost all the time, and we would walk from lesson to lesson together, and very quickly a friendship sprung, I had felt a click that I had never felt bef...

i rise from my bed, slip downstairs, and go in my garden. i sit, leaning back against the wood of my patio, running my fingers ever so delicately through a patch of grass which i wish you were sat on. lacing my fingers through the blades, i close my eyes and grasp a section of it, imagining your fingers intertwined with mine, thinking of how our minds could be laced together with much desire. the craving i have for you is unimaginable - my longing for you is like a drug, and i am a hopeless addict, like many before. or perhaps not. you could be anyone - i have never thought of who you may be, only that the love i have held waiting for you has nearly diminished through lack of love from anyone else who thought we were- soulmates. all those others, the ones i thought you may be, have only ever dispersed me out for themselves, for their selfish gains. i have been so many peoples first kisses, but none of them are important to me, for i only crave one kiss. maybe someone has stolen...