Only me.

It’s the strangest feeling that i get when i really want to write, but i just don’t know how to word everything. There are so many feelings that i have had in the past few months but i just don’t know how to say it all. I’ve hardly spoken to anyone about any of this, aside from the occasional conversation late at night, but i just need to get the entire thing out and get it off my chest. I feel so lonely . I feel so, so alone and I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s the most horrible feeling, because I have the most amazing friends, but I just feel so lonely. Everyone’s got someone like a partner, and I just crave that so badly, i just want someone who could love me for real.  Sure, I know what love is, i have the most spectacular friend who I love so so much, but I want to know what love   feels like. I want to know how it feels to have arms wrapped around you late at night and know that they’re not judging how fat you are. I want to look into someone’s eyes and let them see sou

it starts with overthinking in bed  and ends with hot sweats at 4am in the middle is everything else.  all of the hidden hot tears  and the cold lonely nights  wishing someone was there to keep you warm.  seeing the smiles on everyone else and the loving looks they give  knowing that they have each other.  it’s nice that other people don’t feel the way i do.  i wouldn’t even wish the way i feel to be the way the person i hate felt every day and night.  i hope someday i have someone who is warm and can thaw my through when i’m frozen.  and who can calm me down when i’m being dramatic like i always am when it comes to the things in my brain. 

i’m going back again it’s happening again and i don’t know how i’m going to cope i wish i had someone who could hold me  someone who could kiss me and tell me everything is going to be okay, because they’re here and they’re not leaving  i wish i didn’t keep slipping into this  this empty hole  it’s dark and lonely down here and no one can hear me cry but i like it because i can cry and no one will know  i don’t want anyone to know  it makes them unhappy and i don’t like that  i just want to be happy without bothering anyone for happiness  i hate having to latch myself onto people who will eventually leave  people always leave because they find someone who isn’t broken  does anyone even read these anymore i like being able to say how i feel without people telling me something’s wrong  i don’t like not being able to cry before it gets dark so that my family don’t see i hate being so dramatic and dumb and feeling like this  i shouldn’t feel like this and i

It’s only halfway through the year and I already regret everything.  I’ve got myself invested in a relationship which, sure, is really great, but not when I’m going down this fucking road again and no one knows.  It’s sucks when you can’t tell anyone how you feel, because they’ve all got much more important things going on than attempting to fix the broken girl once more.  But the broken girl is always here to help. No matter what I’m always there and I like it. I love helping people through their problems, because it makes me feel better about wanting to leave. It makes me feel better because I know these people won’t have too many problems when I’m gone.  But most the time I’m the problem. Because I’m the one in the middle, I’m the one trying to actually have emotions instead of being completely empty inside.  God I wish I could sleep forever and wake up where no one knows me.  Would be so much easier that way. 

Falling in love is - and always has been - a journey. I used to think that it was so easy, that you can just fall into love. But it’s so much more complicated than that - for me at least. It’s always changing and constantly moving around, realigning, which is why I think it’s taken me so long to understand love; that and the plethora of bad experiences I’ve had. At 5, love was easy: skipping about the classroom, I saw a boy, a boy I knew very well. He knew me too, I knew that. I thought I knew a lot of things. I teetered over to him, sitting right next to him, making sure our knees were touching. I looked up, and smiled at him. He smiled straight back - that was it! That was love, right there and then! And truly I would never feel the same thing again for a long time. At 8, love was funny: girls giggled next to me, whispering about who they liked the most, who they were desperate to be asked out by. I laughed too - of course I had someone in mind, you had to! If you didn’t, you wer

I’ve been fine for so long. I’ve felt happier for such a long period now that feeling this way again had broken me. It’s broken me down into small tiny pieces and I don’t know why. I don’t know how to explain to anyone how all day I’ve been laughing and yet now I’m crying my eyes out because I want to end my life again. I don’t know where it comes from anymore - it used to have a source; I could feel it before it came, but now it’s a jack in the box, ready to pounce. I smile the next day, carry on like normal. I know people like me, and I know there are so many people I could turn to but I just can’t. I feel like a stupid child, running up to their parents and telling them they just had tea with their invisible friend because it’s not real, right? You can’t see it, so I must be fine. I laugh and joke about how I feel. I write about how I feel, but never to the full extent. Nobody, not even my best friend, knows how badly I can feel at my worst. There was one time when it got  ba

A look into one of my recurring nightmares. • I’m in a dark, dusty room, unclean mirrors side by side on each wall, the cracks filled in with old floral wallpaper, and I look at my reflection; it is blurry, almost unrecognisable, but as I make out my bare feet, my body slowly becomes clear. My clothes are the first thing I notice. Tight, revealing clothes that show as much flesh as possible. I immediately understand why there are mirrors - to see my horrific body all around me, to send me mad. Every mirror now has a disgusting girl trapped inside, and in her eyes is fear. I stumble; I cannot leave this room. I am surrounded by copies of the same disfigured body and disfunctional brain.  Stopping myself for a second, I think about the situation - I could never tell if it is a dream or not, my state of mind makes me constantly in a dream-like state, detached, derealised, depersonalised, deranged. My head begins to swell and throb, and I walk over to the closest mirror. I

Trying to ground myself has recently become a very hard thing to do. The worst thing is coming out of a cinema after watching a film for hours, familiarising and immersing myself into the world of that film, so when I leave I see unfamiliar faces of my friends and a strange world. I get so easily sucked into things, so film watching really isn’t something I can do without it having quite a big impact on how I am for the rest of the day, possibly for longer. My friends like to laugh about me never watching any films and I laugh along with them, writing down films that I’m going to never watch because I know it will damage me. The strange feeling of hope always appears just after watching a film. I have this sudden thought that I might be in a completely different universe where I can finally be happy, and getting myself out of that mindset is very hard. Baths are something that help to ground me. The feeling of the hot water stinging at every pore in my body brings me down from what

It’s so strange. It’s weird how I’ve felt the same way for years, but never had the nerve to acknowledge that it wasn’t normal. Some days my head feels miles apart from my body. I feel disconnected and space out too much and can’t feel anything. Not just emotions, but actual, physical things. I feel like I’m not touching them. I space out, and people used to be able to snap me out of it until recently. Occasionally, at home, I just freeze, in my body and my mind. Like someone has taken me out of my body and put a lock on it and thrown out the key. It’s almost as if I can see my own body, watch myself sitting there, doing nothing. I don’t feel normal. I hadn’t heard of anything like it before, and I assumed I was dreaming when it happened. Then, after a bit of research, I found something I could relate to. Derealisation.  It all made sense because it was there. Someone had wrote something about it, and I knew I wasn’t the only one. But recently, something else has been taking over