Only me.

It’s so strange. It’s weird how I’ve felt the same way for years, but never had the nerve to acknowledge that it wasn’t normal. Some days my head feels miles apart from my body. I feel disconnected and space out too much and can’t feel anything. Not just emotions, but actual, physical things. I feel like I’m not touching them. I space out, and people used to be able to snap me out of it until recently. Occasionally, at home, I just freeze, in my body and my mind. Like someone has taken me out of my body and put a lock on it and thrown out the key. It’s almost as if I can see my own body, watch myself sitting there, doing nothing. I don’t feel normal. I hadn’t heard of anything like it before, and I assumed I was dreaming when it happened. Then, after a bit of research, I found something I could relate to. Derealisation.  It all made sense because it was there. Someone had wrote something about it, and I knew I wasn’t the only one. But recently, something else has been taking over

Why the hell am I still alive right now. What did I do wrong to still be living this hell at this moment? I could kill myself right now and no one would notice. Yet I stop myself because I’m too fucking scared of what will come after I die. I would happily have a meal of pills and wash it down with bleach if I weren’t so afraid. That’s the thing though. I’m getting less afraid. I just want out now.  My counselling’s stopped because I’m “better”.  Am I better drowning myself in alcohol? Am I better smoking again? Am I better ruining every inch of skin people don’t see? Am I better sneaking down in the middle of the night, sitting with every pill in the house in front of me, trying not to kill myself? Because if so, I am so much fucking better.  Truth is, it doesn’t even hurt anymore. Knowing that nobody really cares doesn’t phase me now, because I have completely stopped caring myself. My “anxiety” has rooted down to me simply hiding away from everyone instead of be