22:26

Why the hell am I still alive right now. What did I do wrong to still be living this hell at this moment?
I could kill myself right now and no one would notice. Yet I stop myself because I’m too fucking scared of what will come after I die. I would happily have a meal of pills and wash it down with bleach if I weren’t so afraid. That’s the thing though. I’m getting less afraid. I just want out now. 

My counselling’s stopped because I’m “better”. 
Am I better drowning myself in alcohol?
Am I better smoking again?
Am I better ruining every inch of skin people don’t see?
Am I better sneaking down in the middle of the night, sitting with every pill in the house in front of me, trying not to kill myself?
Because if so, I am so much fucking better. 

Truth is, it doesn’t even hurt anymore. Knowing that nobody really cares doesn’t phase me now, because I have completely stopped caring myself. My “anxiety” has rooted down to me simply hiding away from everyone instead of being worried constantly. My “depression” has become so fucking empty I can’t tell if I’m awake or sleeping. My “derealisation” has become a realisation that l don’t matter because even I can’t notice me when I’m talking. 

If I could pause the world, I would do it. I would pause it for as long as it would take me to find the quickest and simplest way of dying. 

I don’t know why I bother writing these anymore. Nobody reads them. Nobody cares. I don’t know why I’m writing this, because people see it and then just carry on with their day. 

I’m sorry if people did care. I’m sorry that you’ll probably never see this, or actually bother to read all of this.

To the people who knew me;
I’m sorry I’m so fucking annoying. I’m sorry my fat ass couldn’t realise that no one wanted me around. I’m sorry my mortifying face couldn’t stop talking when people obviously didn’t like it. I’m sorry you ever had to meet me. 

To the people who hated me;
I hate me too. 
I’m so glad neither of us will have to see me again. 


~

Popular posts from this blog

life lesson - love

Falling in love is - and always has been - a journey. I used to think that it was so easy, that you can just fall into love. But it’s so much more complicated than that - for me at least. It’s always changing and constantly moving around, realigning, which is why I think it’s taken me so long to understand love; that and the plethora of bad experiences I’ve had. At 5, love was easy: skipping about the classroom, I saw a boy, a boy I knew very well. He knew me too, I knew that. I thought I knew a lot of things. I teetered over to him, sitting right next to him, making sure our knees were touching. I looked up, and smiled at him. He smiled straight back - that was it! That was love, right there and then! And truly I would never feel the same thing again for a long time. At 8, love was funny: girls giggled next to me, whispering about who they liked the most, who they were desperate to be asked out by. I laughed too - of course I had someone in mind, you had to! If you didn’t, you wer
Read more

22:27

Happy birthday, Lucy. god we miss you. so, so much. thank you for taking care of sophie, before and now, for watching over her and keeping her safe and happy. thank you for reminding me that happiness is the best medicine, and smiling and laughing makes everything so much better. thank you for being you, and for teaching us that people never pass away, only go to a better place, staying with us all the while we wait to join you. i hope you’re having fun where you are, laughing when you remember the best times. we miss you, Lucy. you will always, always  be laughing in our hearts. smiling in our minds.  happy birthday, angel x
Read more

20:36

i told you i was looking for some empathy well you fooled me just a touch and a thought and i was gone and now someones gonna get to know the better you when i was supposed to  oh why did it have to be you i  guess now the next time there's an opportunity i'll tread more carefully my heart's running out of sellotape you know how is it i've never felt this way before oh i was so sure oh it wasn't gonna be you why do all the red flags just look like so much fun i have a habit of searching for the damage to share my love i promise to be numb but somehow you are the one now to unwind months of a good time people will tell me that i'm messing up and it isn't  love and i'm secretly hoping they are right because whatever this is it is wonderful but non functional oh i really hope i don't love you
Read more