Only me.

Happy birthday, Lucy. god we miss you. so, so much. thank you for taking care of sophie, before and now, for watching over her and keeping her safe and happy. thank you for reminding me that happiness is the best medicine, and smiling and laughing makes everything so much better. thank you for being you, and for teaching us that people never pass away, only go to a better place, staying with us all the while we wait to join you. i hope you’re having fun where you are, laughing when you remember the best times. we miss you, Lucy. you will always, always  be laughing in our hearts. smiling in our minds.  happy birthday, angel x

It’s the strangest feeling that i get when i really want to write, but i just don’t know how to word everything. There are so many feelings that i have had in the past few months but i just don’t know how to say it all. I’ve hardly spoken to anyone about any of this, aside from the occasional conversation late at night, but i just need to get the entire thing out and get it off my chest. I feel so lonely . I feel so, so alone and I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s the most horrible feeling, because I have the most amazing friends, but I just feel so lonely. Everyone’s got someone like a partner, and I just crave that so badly, i just want someone who could love me for real.  Sure, I know what love is, i have the most spectacular friend who I love so so much, but I want to know what love   feels like. I want to know how it feels to have arms wrapped around you late at night and know that they’re not judging how fat you are. I want to look into someone’s eyes and let the...

it starts with overthinking in bed  and ends with hot sweats at 4am in the middle is everything else.  all of the hidden hot tears  and the cold lonely nights  wishing someone was there to keep you warm.  seeing the smiles on everyone else and the loving looks they give  knowing that they have each other.  it’s nice that other people don’t feel the way i do.  i wouldn’t even wish the way i feel to be the way the person i hate felt every day and night.  i hope someday i have someone who is warm and can thaw my through when i’m frozen.  and who can calm me down when i’m being dramatic like i always am when it comes to the things in my brain. 

i’m going back again it’s happening again and i don’t know how i’m going to cope i wish i had someone who could hold me  someone who could kiss me and tell me everything is going to be okay, because they’re here and they’re not leaving  i wish i didn’t keep slipping into this  this empty hole  it’s dark and lonely down here and no one can hear me cry but i like it because i can cry and no one will know  i don’t want anyone to know  it makes them unhappy and i don’t like that  i just want to be happy without bothering anyone for happiness  i hate having to latch myself onto people who will eventually leave  people always leave because they find someone who isn’t broken  does anyone even read these anymore i like being able to say how i feel without people telling me something’s wrong  i don’t like not being able to cry before it gets dark so that my family don’t see i hate being so dramatic and dumb and...

It’s only halfway through the year and I already regret everything.  I’ve got myself invested in a relationship which, sure, is really great, but not when I’m going down this fucking road again and no one knows.  It’s sucks when you can’t tell anyone how you feel, because they’ve all got much more important things going on than attempting to fix the broken girl once more.  But the broken girl is always here to help. No matter what I’m always there and I like it. I love helping people through their problems, because it makes me feel better about wanting to leave. It makes me feel better because I know these people won’t have too many problems when I’m gone.  But most the time I’m the problem. Because I’m the one in the middle, I’m the one trying to actually have emotions instead of being completely empty inside.  God I wish I could sleep forever and wake up where no one knows me.  Would be so much easier that way. 

Falling in love is - and always has been - a journey. I used to think that it was so easy, that you can just fall into love. But it’s so much more complicated than that - for me at least. It’s always changing and constantly moving around, realigning, which is why I think it’s taken me so long to understand love; that and the plethora of bad experiences I’ve had. At 5, love was easy: skipping about the classroom, I saw a boy, a boy I knew very well. He knew me too, I knew that. I thought I knew a lot of things. I teetered over to him, sitting right next to him, making sure our knees were touching. I looked up, and smiled at him. He smiled straight back - that was it! That was love, right there and then! And truly I would never feel the same thing again for a long time. At 8, love was funny: girls giggled next to me, whispering about who they liked the most, who they were desperate to be asked out by. I laughed too - of course I had someone in mind, you had to! If you didn’t, you wer...

I’ve been fine for so long. I’ve felt happier for such a long period now that feeling this way again had broken me. It’s broken me down into small tiny pieces and I don’t know why. I don’t know how to explain to anyone how all day I’ve been laughing and yet now I’m crying my eyes out because I want to end my life again. I don’t know where it comes from anymore - it used to have a source; I could feel it before it came, but now it’s a jack in the box, ready to pounce. I smile the next day, carry on like normal. I know people like me, and I know there are so many people I could turn to but I just can’t. I feel like a stupid child, running up to their parents and telling them they just had tea with their invisible friend because it’s not real, right? You can’t see it, so I must be fine. I laugh and joke about how I feel. I write about how I feel, but never to the full extent. Nobody, not even my best friend, knows how badly I can feel at my worst. There was one time when it got ...

A look into one of my recurring nightmares. • I’m in a dark, dusty room, unclean mirrors side by side on each wall, the cracks filled in with old floral wallpaper, and I look at my reflection; it is blurry, almost unrecognisable, but as I make out my bare feet, my body slowly becomes clear. My clothes are the first thing I notice. Tight, revealing clothes that show as much flesh as possible. I immediately understand why there are mirrors - to see my horrific body all around me, to send me mad. Every mirror now has a disgusting girl trapped inside, and in her eyes is fear. I stumble; I cannot leave this room. I am surrounded by copies of the same disfigured body and disfunctional brain.  Stopping myself for a second, I think about the situation - I could never tell if it is a dream or not, my state of mind makes me constantly in a dream-like state, detached, derealised, depersonalised, deranged. My head begins to swell and throb, and I walk over to the closest mirror...

Trying to ground myself has recently become a very hard thing to do. The worst thing is coming out of a cinema after watching a film for hours, familiarising and immersing myself into the world of that film, so when I leave I see unfamiliar faces of my friends and a strange world. I get so easily sucked into things, so film watching really isn’t something I can do without it having quite a big impact on how I am for the rest of the day, possibly for longer. My friends like to laugh about me never watching any films and I laugh along with them, writing down films that I’m going to never watch because I know it will damage me. The strange feeling of hope always appears just after watching a film. I have this sudden thought that I might be in a completely different universe where I can finally be happy, and getting myself out of that mindset is very hard. Baths are something that help to ground me. The feeling of the hot water stinging at every pore in my body brings me down from what...

It’s so strange. It’s weird how I’ve felt the same way for years, but never had the nerve to acknowledge that it wasn’t normal. Some days my head feels miles apart from my body. I feel disconnected and space out too much and can’t feel anything. Not just emotions, but actual, physical things. I feel like I’m not touching them. I space out, and people used to be able to snap me out of it until recently. Occasionally, at home, I just freeze, in my body and my mind. Like someone has taken me out of my body and put a lock on it and thrown out the key. It’s almost as if I can see my own body, watch myself sitting there, doing nothing. I don’t feel normal. I hadn’t heard of anything like it before, and I assumed I was dreaming when it happened. Then, after a bit of research, I found something I could relate to. Derealisation.  It all made sense because it was there. Someone had wrote something about it, and I knew I wasn’t the only one. But recently, something else has been taking ...

Why the hell am I still alive right now. What did I do wrong to still be living this hell at this moment? I could kill myself right now and no one would notice. Yet I stop myself because I’m too fucking scared of what will come after I die. I would happily have a meal of pills and wash it down with bleach if I weren’t so afraid. That’s the thing though. I’m getting less afraid. I just want out now.  My counselling’s stopped because I’m “better”.  Am I better drowning myself in alcohol? Am I better smoking again? Am I better ruining every inch of skin people don’t see? Am I better sneaking down in the middle of the night, sitting with every pill in the house in front of me, trying not to kill myself? Because if so, I am so much fucking better.  Truth is, it doesn’t even hurt anymore. Knowing that nobody really cares doesn’t phase me now, because I have completely stopped caring myself. My “anxiety” has rooted down to me simply hiding away from everyone...

I give up. I guess that now at 10:20pm with tear tracks down my face And smudged mascara With undone homework And worries of days to come That I decided that I fucking give up. I’m not even feeling anything anymore. Water goes down my throat Like air goes through my fingers When I stick my hand Out the window To feel less derealised And disconnected From the world. Food goes in the bin In the morning And midday But in the evening When my parents watch (To make sure I eat And don’t get back To where I was) Food crawls down my throat Like a dried up snail On a Texan road In August. I don’t want to feel nothing anymore. I guess that What I’m trying to say Is while I may look down And sad And tired On the inside I feel nothing anymore Like an empty room My voice echos in my head My hands feel a million miles away And my friends Are on another planet. But I smile through it. I lie about being okay I lie about feeling down I lie about being...

the worst thing about depression taking over during the summer is when you don't know what it's about. You know it can't be your friends - you were already deciding which movies to watch with your best friend at your sleepover. You know it can't be 'her' - she's messaged you already, even if it was only one word, a simple "hey" to let you know that she's still there. You know it can't be your family - they've already agreed to get a dog, which should be the happiest thing you've ever heard. But when you haven't showered in four days, you know what it is.  It's the fact that now it's summer, a break, you have nothing to do. No homework except the exam papers that need to be rewritten but won't, because you won't move from the same spot in your bedroom apart from taking a bathroom break. No important things to be doing - and that means there's nothing to keep you distracted from the impending depression...

Nearly midnight.  I gaze around my room, seeing only pitch black. No noise, no light, nothing. I love it so much. The nothingness. Why couldn't it have been tonight? Nearly midnight.  Nearly the day.  The day in which I will try with all my might at every possible moment to achieve what I want. For I am determined.  Nearly midnight.  I sit thinking about my best friend. The one person in the world who I know truly cares. The only person who I believe will react when my eyes turn empty. I think about all she has done for me - I was better because of her. This, now, is not her fault, merely mine. I think about how much she knows I love her. You know that, don't you? Nearly midnight.  I also think about the girl who I clawed after. The one who I wished was in my life frequently enough to make me not even have to sit here, writing this blog. I think about some of the last things she messaged me -  'Please don't do anything bad. I'll talk t...

i told you i was looking for some empathy well you fooled me just a touch and a thought and i was gone and now someones gonna get to know the better you when i was supposed to  oh why did it have to be you i  guess now the next time there's an opportunity i'll tread more carefully my heart's running out of sellotape you know how is it i've never felt this way before oh i was so sure oh it wasn't gonna be you why do all the red flags just look like so much fun i have a habit of searching for the damage to share my love i promise to be numb but somehow you are the one now to unwind months of a good time people will tell me that i'm messing up and it isn't  love and i'm secretly hoping they are right because whatever this is it is wonderful but non functional oh i really hope i don't love you

Have you ever though about why they call it a crush? It's because that's what it does; crushes you, right into the ground when you know you don't have a chance. Maybe it's time for me to stop; to stop 'falling' for all these people, because it never, ever end well. Over and over again I'll be hurt -  but this time I'm determined that I will not be ruined by the next person that comes along. Realising all the past things I've been through - lying, cheating, force; the list goes on - I realise I just need to find the right person who will treat me like a human. How about this time, I reconsider all the things I've fallen for before -  good looks, seemingly kind - and just think about how fucking high I felt when I saw you on another yesterday. Every time I've seen you before I've just seen you, but now I see you .  Rakes clawing at my stomach just because of you, and I don't even understand why. On a day I saw you and I fucking scre...

She would never tell How she felt, She would stay quiet And keep it for herself, She had lost so much And gained so little, She would never feel good enough For anyone, Not even for herself. She would laugh And she would smile She would act like everything was fine But she knew She was living a lie Behind her smile She held a broken mind. She would lie over and over again Just because she was afraid to lose Someone who saw her real worth. She expected too much And never learned to let go She got attached too fast And when the time came A part of her was gone too. And all those promises In which she believed Flew away just like the wind. And she waited And waited But no one ever came. All she ever wants Is to never feel again Because every time she feels All she feels is pain. She justs wants to leave To be let free Like a bird set out from its cage Up into the sky To be let go To leave. That's all she wants.

Sometimes the world doesn't need to give me any more clues into the fact it wants me gone. Umpteen  times have I been told I am worthless, that I have been recognised as the useless person in a world filled with amazing, kind, beautiful people. I can't imagine what it's like to feel like people like you, or that you even like yourself, and I've come to accept that people done particularly like me. Counting down the days till I can not bother people anymore is how I spend most of my time. I wish the time would come sooner, not just for me but for everyone, as I would lot trouble people anymore. Death is easily brought upon ones self; I already have multiple ways in which I may bring calm upon myself. A single card sits on my window, the only card anyone has ever written more than a 'happy birthday' in, and I can not stand putting this person through me anymore, having to deal with me for much longer, for I must be hated for my annoyance and depressive states, and...

Fuck. It's bad. It's hurting me. It's sitting in the bathroom at 2am without a thought in your head. Is having too many fucking thoughts in your head. It's having different personalities that escape you when you least expect it. It's thoughts clawing at your head, at your brain, trying to take control. It's voices telling you things. It's voices telling you to do things. It's voices telling you bad things about the people you love. It's your own head making you hate everyone around you because you're fucking scared that everyone is just an actor in some huge joke that they call your life. It's being so constantly anxious that you're constantly shaking. It's hurting yourself mentally and physically with anything the universe gives to you. It's swctioning yourself off. It's distancing yourself from your family and friends. It's having a breakdown after your own mother yells at you because there's only so m...

You know that disgusting sick feeling you get in your stomach when you know you haven't eaten enough but you feel like if you do eat you'll be sick? That's how I feel now. That's how I've felt for the last 2 days. I have never felt more sick than now, though. I feel physically sick to my stomach, like I could go to the bathroom and shove  fingers down my throat and vomit till the sick in my stomach empties. They say it's an empty feeling. I think it's the opposite - you feel full of nothing and everything at once, and you're body is trying to throw up the food you didn't eat for breakfast, or lunch, or dinner. And you feel better after, like you've gotten rid of the tightening feeling of your stomach around your hopeless fat. When strangers try to weight you and take your height and how much hair you've lost and how tired you are and if you've been depressed lately - to which the answers are almost always bad - you feel good when you...