Only me.

the worst thing about depression taking over during the summer is when you don't know what it's about. You know it can't be your friends - you were already deciding which movies to watch with your best friend at your sleepover. You know it can't be 'her' - she's messaged you already, even if it was only one word, a simple "hey" to let you know that she's still there. You know it can't be your family - they've already agreed to get a dog, which should be the happiest thing you've ever heard. But when you haven't showered in four days, you know what it is.  It's the fact that now it's summer, a break, you have nothing to do. No homework except the exam papers that need to be rewritten but won't, because you won't move from the same spot in your bedroom apart from taking a bathroom break. No important things to be doing - and that means there's nothing to keep you distracted from the impending depression

Nearly midnight.  I gaze around my room, seeing only pitch black. No noise, no light, nothing. I love it so much. The nothingness. Why couldn't it have been tonight? Nearly midnight.  Nearly the day.  The day in which I will try with all my might at every possible moment to achieve what I want. For I am determined.  Nearly midnight.  I sit thinking about my best friend. The one person in the world who I know truly cares. The only person who I believe will react when my eyes turn empty. I think about all she has done for me - I was better because of her. This, now, is not her fault, merely mine. I think about how much she knows I love her. You know that, don't you? Nearly midnight.  I also think about the girl who I clawed after. The one who I wished was in my life frequently enough to make me not even have to sit here, writing this blog. I think about some of the last things she messaged me -  'Please don't do anything bad. I'll talk to you tomorrow

i told you i was looking for some empathy well you fooled me just a touch and a thought and i was gone and now someones gonna get to know the better you when i was supposed to  oh why did it have to be you i  guess now the next time there's an opportunity i'll tread more carefully my heart's running out of sellotape you know how is it i've never felt this way before oh i was so sure oh it wasn't gonna be you why do all the red flags just look like so much fun i have a habit of searching for the damage to share my love i promise to be numb but somehow you are the one now to unwind months of a good time people will tell me that i'm messing up and it isn't  love and i'm secretly hoping they are right because whatever this is it is wonderful but non functional oh i really hope i don't love you