21:56

the worst thing about depression taking over during the summer is when you don't know what it's about. You know it can't be your friends - you were already deciding which movies to watch with your best friend at your sleepover. You know it can't be 'her' - she's messaged you already, even if it was only one word, a simple "hey" to let you know that she's still there. You know it can't be your family - they've already agreed to get a dog, which should be the happiest thing you've ever heard.

But when you haven't showered in four days, you know what it is. 

It's the fact that now it's summer, a break, you have nothing to do. No homework except the exam papers that need to be rewritten but won't, because you won't move from the same spot in your bedroom apart from taking a bathroom break. No important things to be doing - and that means there's nothing to keep you distracted from the impending depression now. You can feel it all the time anyways, but when there's nothing to do but think about it, it weighs you down further than it has before. 

You still talk to your friends, joking around, pretending you're not being crushed by your own insecurities and constant fear that nothing important will happen again. You try to think about upcoming concerts and event that may interest you, because surely, when they roll around, you'll be distracted again. And you can't wait for it. You can't wait for something, anything to happen so that you forget for just a moment, a second, that your brain is slowly dragging you by your wrists into an endless dark abyss. So that you can forget that your brain is mocking you right now for every stupid decision you've ever made. So that you can forget the reason that rain makes you feel nice, that drawing releases your anxiety, that music and singing makes you feel a little happy for the short time of the song because you can sing about anything and it can be so true and yet no one could know and -

You just want a peaceful moment where everything just falls silently into place. 

You fall calmly into a relationship that you wanting has caused you so much stress. 

You start to be able to sleep and dream again without jerking awake in hot sweats when you don't even remember what you were dreaming about. 

You get to the weight you want, and look the way you want, and feel just a little bit less insecure for a while. 

But you realise it won't happen. It won't, because you can't make it happen. At least, you can, but you do not have the mental or physical energy anymore to be able to change anything in your life so that you can be happy again. 

You hate it. 

Don't you?

Yes

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