22:32

I give up.

I guess that now
at 10:20pm
with tear tracks down my face
And smudged mascara
With undone homework
And worries of days to come
That I decided that I fucking give up.

I’m not even feeling anything anymore.

Water goes down my throat
Like air goes through my fingers
When I stick my hand
Out the window
To feel less derealised
And disconnected
From the world.

Food goes in the bin
In the morning
And midday
But in the evening
When my parents watch
(To make sure I eat
And don’t get back
To where I was)
Food crawls down my throat
Like a dried up snail
On a Texan road
In August.

I don’t want to feel nothing anymore.

I guess that
What I’m trying to say
Is while I may look down
And sad
And tired
On the inside
I feel nothing anymore
Like an empty room
My voice echos in my head
My hands feel a million miles away
And my friends
Are on another planet.

But I smile through it.

I lie about being okay
I lie about feeling down
I lie about being tired
I lie
Because inside
There’s nothing but space
So why not fill it
With fake emotions
That I can put on?

I give up.

People say that
Suicidal is a feeling.

I know that’s not true
Because I can’t feel anymore.

Yet I have never felt like I want to leave this earth than I do right now.

I smile.
Through the empty.
I laugh.
Pretend I can feel the happy.
I cry.
Pretend I can feel anything.

I
Give
Up.

And I’m sorry.

Popular posts from this blog

life lesson - love

Falling in love is - and always has been - a journey. I used to think that it was so easy, that you can just fall into love. But it’s so much more complicated than that - for me at least. It’s always changing and constantly moving around, realigning, which is why I think it’s taken me so long to understand love; that and the plethora of bad experiences I’ve had. At 5, love was easy: skipping about the classroom, I saw a boy, a boy I knew very well. He knew me too, I knew that. I thought I knew a lot of things. I teetered over to him, sitting right next to him, making sure our knees were touching. I looked up, and smiled at him. He smiled straight back - that was it! That was love, right there and then! And truly I would never feel the same thing again for a long time. At 8, love was funny: girls giggled next to me, whispering about who they liked the most, who they were desperate to be asked out by. I laughed too - of course I had someone in mind, you had to! If you didn’t, you wer
Read more

22:27

Happy birthday, Lucy. god we miss you. so, so much. thank you for taking care of sophie, before and now, for watching over her and keeping her safe and happy. thank you for reminding me that happiness is the best medicine, and smiling and laughing makes everything so much better. thank you for being you, and for teaching us that people never pass away, only go to a better place, staying with us all the while we wait to join you. i hope you’re having fun where you are, laughing when you remember the best times. we miss you, Lucy. you will always, always  be laughing in our hearts. smiling in our minds.  happy birthday, angel x
Read more

20:36

i told you i was looking for some empathy well you fooled me just a touch and a thought and i was gone and now someones gonna get to know the better you when i was supposed to  oh why did it have to be you i  guess now the next time there's an opportunity i'll tread more carefully my heart's running out of sellotape you know how is it i've never felt this way before oh i was so sure oh it wasn't gonna be you why do all the red flags just look like so much fun i have a habit of searching for the damage to share my love i promise to be numb but somehow you are the one now to unwind months of a good time people will tell me that i'm messing up and it isn't  love and i'm secretly hoping they are right because whatever this is it is wonderful but non functional oh i really hope i don't love you
Read more